Morgaine, The Smouldering Enchantress

She can shape-change, so we are fortunate here to catch her in her almost-natural state (she is, in fact, clothed). When she sets her heart on a man, she can do that — quite literally. But it's a fairly messy business so, nowadays and thanks to the advent of modern retailing, she just sends him a beefburger in a pre-paid reply envelope.

Her early schooling was at the Isle Of Avalon's College of Witchery, Sorcery & Thatchery. She gets little call now for roofing work since concrete pantiles have taken over. But she does get invitations to make After-Dinner Speeches from people thinking she was taught by Margaret Thatcher, Britain's ex-Prime Minister. Morgaine may be a sorceress, but she's not cruel. After winning the Boiling Cauldron Of Honour for her academic year, she went on to a Finishing Course at the Academy Of Spells & Enchantment, graduating with an Honours First.

Taking a part-time cookery course at the same time was probably a big mistake, because she has tended ever since to get the spell books and recipe books mixed up. Hence, when faced once with the Red Knight raging at her in full armour, she accidentally brought down a deluge of Irish Stew upon him. Meanwhile, in the nearby Banqueting Hall, Arthur and the other Knights Of The Round Table found their serving dishes suddenly filled with a maelstrom of boiled horny toads and pickled newts. The table wine had been excellent that evening and Arthur and his cohorts were not entirely ‘aware’, so these were consumed with relish. Following the convention of never allowing the King to be embarrassed, horny toads have remained on Cornish dinner menus ever since. Morgaine was now safe from the Red Knight's onslaught because, as a Knight, he was bounden under the Rules Of Chivalry to leave the scene of battle and change into his dinner jacket. So, all's well that ends well, except that few people have since accepted invitations from Morgaine to one of her dinner parties or soirées.

Although her beauty is obvious and no mystery, Morgaine herself loves nothing more than to read mystery books. At The Readers Vine she enjoys a separate life as Trixie Spillane and a visit to her site is always interesting... she is a great fan of the Spartan Look. 

No mention of the lovely Morgaine could be complete without also mentioning her beloved Bilbo, the Hobbit. In her second picture, we see the two of them within Camelot's forest, out gathering food to store for the winter. Although you can't see Bilbo (he is up the tree, wearing his customary short trousers), Morgaine is sweetly calling up to him “Oh look dear, a squirrel is after your nuts!” Legend has it that, seconds later, Bilbo fell from the tree and has never climbed one since.

Morgaine is a terrifically steadfast SST captain, always ready to help out a gamer and always willing to engage people with her mischievous humour. So what is it that other people say about her?

Tony Blair: “I have said many times before that, when I am with Morgaine, I feel the Hand Of Destiny upon her shoulder. But she always rejects me.”

Sir Galahad: “Verily the very sight of her shakes the spurs from my feet and causes my visor to steam up. And she doth make my charger tremble between my thighs. It seems she makes it desirous of its oats.”

Michael Parkinson: “Yorkshiremen have travelled the world over, spreading word of her fiery beauty, and of how she can attract any man to her just by making her thingies go round in circles (how does she do that?). I myself have looked up to her and thought...... corrrrr!”

Gargravaar: “Her magical powers are so interesting. I remember the guy who asked for a cure for baldness. She gave him a hare lip. The hare was furious.”

Dick Turpin: “Often have I ridden Black Bess long through the night but.... Morgaine... hey, now you're talking!.”