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Bilbo, The HalflingBeing a Hobbit is not so much a way of life as a fashion statement. It's a fashion statement which Hobbits can't avoid making. Let's face it, there's not much you can do when you're only three feet and two inches tall, is there?
For many years, Bilbo was employed by Jerry Hall to be her travelling companion. Nothing untoward, you understand, just that he made her look very tall.After that he found short-term employment standing on the lid of the grand piano at Sharon Stone's home. At dinner parties, he was expected to hold a bowl of fruit and pretend to be a statue. He had to give that up because he was unable to attract anyone's attention — it wasn't his fault, just that Sharon Stone's bust has been seen so often that no one takes any interest now. But being a Hobbit means more than just small drawbacks. Hobbits are highly sought after as burglars, and there is much commonly told folklore supporting that. We see Bilbo here in his best burgling mode, working on contract for the British Government and getting ready to steal the British Constitution and so rid them of that terrible inconvenience. Other great feats of his include stealing the Mona Lisa for Titanic's SGT Lounge, and making the Japanese Economy vanish. A Hobbit's pride and joy is always his pantry, and Bilbo's is no exception. It is stocked with all manner of foods. Notably, there is the Sheep's Head Stew, traditionally cooked with the eyes left in, so that it will see him through the coming week. Our Bilbo is, of course, exceedingly famous for his association with
The Moggy Pie-Making Dragon Of Rotherham [moggy: a British expression
for 'cat'], although not everybody would be brave enough Here are a few quotes generously provided by his friends and those who know him: The Lord Sheriff of Wilt: “Ah, um, yes. It is with great pleasure that I declare this.... [what is it?]...thing.. open. Is there no ribbon to cut? What about Press Photo Opportunities? No? Oh well, must be time for lunch, then.” The Japanese Minister of the Economy: “Hoya segua legua chohua. Ess grugh, ineh grugh moh, ho ho ho! Ba, se tu hoh shak sek tung lek dak! Zzzot!!!!” Morgaine: “I don't care what all the others say about him, I like him. One day, I can see me wearing his ring.” Gollum: “Ring? Did you say ‘ring’, my preciousssss?” Dan Quayle: “To not have a body must be a terrible thing.” |
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to
refer to Morgaine in such a fashion. The other Hobbits, Merri, Sam Gangee
and Frodo (seen in the second picture and, like Bilbo, all from the Shire
Of Wilt) (and that's quite another story), are aware of how much time Bilbo
and Morgaine spend together. They look fondly upon Bilbo as the Kindly
Old Hobbit with the penchant for tall ladies and wickedly good parties
that they never get invited to. So, in a spirit of teasing fun, they leave
tacks in his boots, put pepper in his trousers, set fire to his house,
and order dozens of risqué lingerie items from mail order catalogues
using his credit card numbers. Yes, these companionable Hobbits really
know how to enjoy themselves.
